Das Blog

For My Protection

2006-09-04T15:12:00.000+02:00

I had a blog worthy morning at the gym again today. Actually it started on Saturday when I spent two hours trying on bathing suits until my skin was raw. Finally I decided on a boring Speedo based purely on the comfortable non-wedge-inducing fit.

So why, I wondered only a few minutes into my WaterFit class, was it giving me such a terrible wedge in use? Did I accidentally buy the wrong size? Did it shrink? Then I remembered...

I don't think they do this with men's bathing suits, but women's suits are sold with a crotch shaped safety sticker that clearly says REMOVE AFTER PURCHASE, to keep you from getting/spreading cooties while trying them on. Well I guess I forgot to remove the safety seal and only realize while the suit was in action in the pool.

I tried to figure out a way to discreetly rip it out under water but soon gave up and just agonized through the rest of the class. Now not only am I in pain, but the cootie fear alert level is pretty high. But chlorine kills cooties pretty good, doesn't it, I mean that's why they put it IN the pool in the first place, right?

Addictive Oxfam Find

2006-08-31T18:45:00.000+02:00

One of the reasons I haven't been posting for so long is this brand new, completely unused, and utterly addictive find from the Oxfam store: When I first picked it up I thought it was just a cartoon book from the NY Times, and was thrilled! Then I saw it was cartoons and *puzzles* and thought 'uhhh, well guess I'll get it anyway,' it still had some cartoons.

But from the moment I got home and openend it I could not put it down. I stayed up way to late doing crosswords and agonized over fill in the blanks.

But finally I've finished it. And now I'm in withdrawl.

Das Blog Lives

2006-08-28T20:19:00.000+02:00

When people ask me how I like living in Germany, I'm tempted to reply "well, Germany's fine, it's the Germans I can do without." But that's too rude, isn't it? It's hard to articulate exaclty what's so difficult about Germans as a group. Cold. Distant. Unfriendly. Unapproachable. Uptight. They all touch on the idea, but none hits it on the head.

Having a dog has proven to be a great segue into conversations with other dog-walking neighbors who, on the most part are happy to engage in dog chit-chat, then act as if they've never met me four hours later on the next walk.

This evening's walked proved a perfect example of German terseness/unfriendliness. I thought I spotted another greyhound in the park, and it being an unusual breed thought I'd chat with the guy walking it:

Me: Is that a greyhound?
Guy: What?
Me: Your dog, is it a greyhound?
Guy: A what?
Me: The breed, is it a GreyHound?
Guy: No.
Me: Oh, it looks kind of like my dog, I thought maybe it was a greyhound.
Guy: (looking increasingly annoyed) No, it's a mix.

And he walked off.

See what happened was, I broke rule #1 of german interaction: Don't talk to people you don't know. It's built into the language too, you have to call someone by the formal address until you've known them either ten years or slept with them 100 times, whichever comes first. So all the neighbors I engage in dog chit-chat with will keep me at a distance for at least ten years, and ignore me outside our usual dog walking context.

Germans are the exact polar opposite of Californians.

I'm a messy eater (and I gloat)

2006-08-04T16:33:00.000+02:00

You know those detergent ads where the woman holds up a white shirt with a huge plate size splotch of chocolate right next to a huge grass stain? And you think: "who in the WORLD is that messy, I mean how could you possibly get that huge stain on your chest?"

Well now I know the answer, and apparently, it's me.

This is not a studio shot or created stain, I assure you. It happened as I was getting ready to relax on the couch and enjoy an (open face) pbj, and as I plopped down, the pbj slid off my plate and adhered to my chest. (translation for non-americans: pbj=peanut butter and jelly. and yes, I eat that and no it's not disgusting.)

So I've created the perfect stain, a huge splotch of BLACK CHERRY jelly rubbed in with greasy peanut butter. Will it come out? I have confidence, what do you think?

In other news, the heatwave in Europe is officially OVER!!!! We suffered through our two/three weeks of DC heat and humity, completely without a/c (well except me but that doesn't count because it only managed to lower the temp ONE degree.)

The past few days have been blissful low seventies (today 72F) cargo pants and, yes, jean jacket weather. And I love it. NO COMPLAINTS-can you belive it?! This is truly one of the (few) perks of living in Europe. There's nothing to eat, it rains and is pitch black nine months a year, but the brief, gorgeous summer, well, it's a relief.

Won't you come visit during the few pleasant weeks we have?

Stevie Nicks meets Little House on the Prarie

2006-07-25T21:57:00.000+02:00

Have I ranted to you on the subject of how appalled I am by women's fashion this summer? Well I'm ranting some more. It could not be a worse combination of unappealing fabrics in unflattering cuts, or at least the worst combo since 1971.

Right is a prime example of what I consider the Stevie Nicks meets Little House on the Prarie look, this one a little more Prarie than Nicks. Tell me, is there any possible figure-type besides pregnant that might be flattered by this look? There's no waistline, not to mention they've combined hundreds of hideous calico scrap into one dress.

And on the side of more Nicks than Prarie we have the white eyelet fabric known in sheets and bedspreads of yore, now showing up in clothing for adult women.

Why all the droopyness, are you TRYING to make us look fat and slouchy? Why would this woman want to hide her hips and legs under long, flowing hippie skirts?

To accesorize my Nicks-Prarie outfit, I'm expected to wear classic "Old Lady Junk Jewelry," the kind the retired, drunk sculptor-lady with lots of cats in your neighborhood wore in 1979.

Doesn't this necklace just scream Modern Sophistication?! It looks like she made it at summer camp on acid. The headband's a nice touch too.

I refuse. As much as I constantly need new clothes, I WILL NOT go there. Not even close. There is no calico in my closet, and my credit card stayed in the wallet on my first summer shopping trip and stayed there all summer.

As a result, any time you see me between late June and end of August you can count on my uniform of jean skirt, polo and flip flops. Unoriginal, boring, predictable, I know, but completely without shame.

More Complaining

2006-07-21T15:33:00.000+02:00

Tomorrow morning at 8am I'm taking the train to Amsterdam. I've been really excited about this trip until recently, very recently. Like yesterday, when I looked at the weather forecast and saw it's supposed to be in the 90s. In *Amsterdam* where the average high in July is 71F! What the hell is going on?

And in case you're wondering just how cute my dog is (n) here's a picture. Enjoy her cuteness. PINCHY!

Back to the Regular Complaining

2006-07-20T13:13:00.000+02:00

It's HOT AS HELL here! And I'm not just whining, yesterday it was 97°F, and it's supposed to be mid-90s again today. This is a land with no air-conditioning. I mean nowhere, not movie theaters, airports, stores, trains, nothing. So even when it's only 85°F outdoors, it's 105°F indoors. And don't tell me to open a window, where are the windows in the movie theater, or the airport?

I may just be the one person in Cologne with an personal air conditioner in my apartment. But I can't turn it on. Here's why (and you may want to stop reading at this point if you're easily upset, like I am, because the following is thoroughly depressing.)

I just found out I caused the famine in Ethiopia in the 1980s. Me, and you, and everyone in North America and Europe. They finally figured out what caused it: our pollution.

Literally. Not the chemical pollution like c02 that's ruining the ozone, but our particle polution like soot and grime, the stuff that causes haze. A huge cloud of haze hovered over the sea, reflecting the sunligh back out into space. The sunlight failed to heat and evaporate the sea water which usually travels over Africa and creates the monsoon.

So the particle pollution you and I created by running our air-conditioners, hair dryers, dishwashers and cars directly lead to the deaths of thousands of people from starvation in Africa.

The good news, in a way, is that the US and Europe have cut way back on particle pollution by cleaning exhaust (though we haven't cut back much at all on c02 pollution). Turns out that haze was reflecting a lot of HEAT back into the atmosphere, cancelling out some of the global warming. So global warming is actually happening faster than we thought, because our own pollution was protecting us a little.

Ironic, isn't it? Therefore, roasting as I am, I'm loathe to turn on the air-conditioner. Those were real actual people who starved to death for my (our) lifestyle. I like to try to pretend that my lifestyle really doesn't harm anyone, maybe only indirectly, but I've been proven wrong. It makes a huge difference, and not just Karma, but actual direct harm.

Does a fan use substantially less energy than a/c?

Book Review: Life of Pi by Yann Martel

2006-07-19T15:51:00.000+02:00

Meh.

The Crime Scene: a Flower Box

2006-07-18T14:52:00.000+02:00

The weapon: a football. A ten-year-old boy from Buchheim is being sued by a retired granny for damages to her geraniums when his football went into her garden. Or as the granny says, he "brutalized" her geraniums.

Some lawyer actually took this case and it's going to court. This is what it's like living in a affluent country with no crime.

EW!

2006-07-13T16:08:00.000+02:00

Forgive the recycled celebrity gossip from other blogs, but life here is dull. I'm sparing you from the antics of dog training, so no complaining. Plus this was just so gross.No, it's not Britney Spears. Kiera Knightly walks barefoot (barefoot!) in London. I had to say "EW!" out loud, three times, progressively louder, when I saw this. Just thinking about it totally gives me the skeevies. It starts with a shudder over the dress (what the..?) . If I were a gajillionaire I wouldn't be dressing like an office temp circa 1990, did she get that at Dress Barn? And you couldn't even throw on a pair of flip flops? Kiera Kiera Kiera.

Pantless Italian

2006-07-11T16:29:00.000+02:00

Sorry to tease, but I couldn't find a photo of the Italian soccer player running around with no pants on after winning the World Cup. He was, thankfully, wearing white underpants, but this reminded me of the differences in the way European and American men behave. I'm pretty sure no US player from any sport, on any team, would run around kissing his teammates with no pans on.

So I'm glad it's over anyway. I'm not watching another soccer game for a long time.

Instead of the pantless italian I'm posting a pic of Nicole Kidman shopping at Target. Is she a fan of Xhiliration underwear too? And why does she need a Swiffer?And isn't it charming how her husband always opens the car door for her? Chivalry is not dead.

I (heart) Madeleine Albright*

2006-07-08T13:05:00.000+02:00

*Ironically I hated her policy when whe was secretary of state under Clinton, but like Jimmy Carter I've developed a fuzzy sentimental feeling about her since. Every, single, time I read an article or even a quote my heart beats a little faster, sometimes tears well up, and always I think to myself 'right ON!'

Take these from a recent FT article:

'George Bush's administration has in her eyes made the world a much worse place to live.'

"We've damaged our reputation very badly. Iraq may turn out to be the greatest disaster in US foreign policy, which by its very nature means it's worse than Vietnam"

So here's my schoolgirl fantasy: Hilary Clinton runs against Condoleeza Rice in the next election. Clinton wins, re-appoints Albright as her secretary of state.

or maybe better: Schwartzenegger bribes his connections to change the constitution so he can run for president. He doesn't get nominated by his party, but has opened the door for Albright to run and she becomes PRESIDENT! risky, I know, considering the American people are stupid when voting is involved, but can they be that stupid?

I'm not complaining

2006-07-05T14:39:00.000+02:00

Could it be that watermelons have fewer seeds now than they did when we were kids? Have you noticed this? Or did I just spend more time finding and extracting them before, and now I can't be bothered?

English Soccer Hooligans

2006-06-27T21:41:00.000+02:00

Lucky Cologne. Of all the teams playing in the World Cup, we hosted all the England games-- the rumored loudest, rowdiest, most obnoxious fans of all. So we've had an onslaught of English tourists camping out in my neighborhood.

Thing is, nothing happened. They were reportedly well behaved, no incidents, and in fact some German fans were the only ones arrested after the England game for being obnoxious (and Germany wasn't even playing.)

But this meant I had to walk my dog through the English Fan squatter/camping base along the Rhine, and had my own little World Cup experience. It was about 11am on a Sunday morning, but the atmosphere was loud and carnivalesque, and a visibly drunk and playful fan shouted a german phrase to me I didn't understand. When I shouted back "I don't speak german!" of course where are you from etc. followed.

He was friendly enough to offer me a bottle of water for the dog, and as soon as I offered it to her, he said "OH, sorry, that's got vodka in it" and staggered off.

(That is not him pictured above, but this illustrates that fact that I am a moron and thought that was the Danish flag. The English fans would wave the Union Jack, right? Wrong. That's the flag of the U.K, silly. This is the flag of just England, which I'd never seen before.)

Rats Pharmacy

2006-06-21T18:04:00.000+02:00

Had to share this vacation find with you, it's a Pharmacy:And look at this interesting snailey-snail thing I found, and got really excited about until K ruined it for me and told me they're everywhere in North D'land. Still, they're new to me. Apparently it's like a german seeing a racoon in the US, it's really exciting because they don't have them, but we've grown up seeing them around like squirrels. (There's now a small population of US racoons here now thanks to they assume some Army dudes who brought them over and set them loose.)

Lord Malte von Putbus

2006-06-20T21:07:00.000+02:00

Says the hideous official Isle of Ruegen website: "People seeking rest cures first began to arrive on Ruegen in the 19th century. Lord Malte of Putbus had already had the residential town of Putbusbuilt on the Italian design..."

Thanks to this tidbit, we couldn't stop saying 'Lord Malte von Putbus!' which eventually shortened to just 'PUTBUS!' and poor Olive has yet another new nickname 'Lady Putbus.' It never lost it's charm. I looked for a t-shirt or postcard, but they're apparently not as into Putbus as we were.

Lucky for you my plan (dream, really) of a photo essay on "Socks-and-Sandals' didn't pan out, so here's me on the beach in Ruegen. Of course they don't have normal deck chairs in Germany, instead you sit in what translates to a beach basket, which is as claustrophobic and view-blocking as it looks. It's also delightful to sit right up against the person next to you, rubbing sweaty, sunscreened elbows and knees all afternoon. Here's me sitting in one, trying to finish the neverending Middlemarch.We lucked out and got great views from both hotels. Here's the view from the first posh one featured yesterday. How cute is this? They've really got the cute going on in Euroland.Second stop was a decidedly less posh, more on the granola side hotel, still with an ultra-cute view. It looks like the boat is in the grass but there's really a little inlet there.The weather turned considerably cooler and cloudier in Granola Town. Here I am freezing and unhappy on the 'natural' beach without beach baskets when you really need them, still trying to finish Middlemarch.
I finally finishedMiddlemarch on the last day of our trip. It's worth the four and a half stars it gest on Amazon.

Happy Fronleichnam!

2006-06-19T17:52:00.000+02:00

Hi All, I'm back from vacation and posting late this public holiday missed while I was away. Didn't think we could go the week without a holiday, did you? It was the feast of Corpus Christi, maybe something about the (symbolic?) eating of Christ's body? I can guarantee nobody feasted, they spent the day off sunning themselves nude in the park, drinking beer.

And we've returned from the north coast free of bird flu, or no symptoms yet, anyway. So the discounted rooms were worth it!

And look at this room, I felt like I was staying in a Ralph Lauren Home® store. We got this really cheap after a few dozen seagulls turned up on the beach with bird flu. But that was a few MONTHS ago, and we only saw one bird carcass the whole time! We didn't pet or step on it or anything, so I figure we're fine.

Vacation, More of This:

2006-06-09T17:40:00.000+02:00

Spring has finally sprung in Deutschland, and my neighbors have torn off their clothes and are sunning themselves in the park.
Here, this guy looks a little better. But please note that is not a bathing suit he's wearing, it's bikini-cut jockey-stlye underwear. In a public park. Which he stripped down to, publicly, once he got out there. I am going on vacation this week, to the beach in northern germany, and I'm sure I'll be surrounded by a lot more of the same.

Oxfam Finds

2006-06-08T15:16:00.000+02:00

In Cologne the we don't go to Salvation Army to buy junk, it's the Oxfam store. And my Oxfam store is a treasure trove, particularly the books.

Seems a lot of english speakers/readers in the area use it as a general book swap. That's what I do. I find great books, read them, then give them back just to keep them in circulation. Kind of like Netflix, only you don't get to choose what you read next, it's the luck of the draw. Today I found:

The Little Friend: Donna Tartt

Martin Amis: The Information

I buy about 90% of my reading material from Oxfam, and it's interesting because my taste is dictated by what's available. For instance, I probably never would have bought a copy of All the Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy, but finding it at Oxfam it's a risk-free read. And I actually enjoyed it. (Decent writing even if it's a simple cowboy romance.)

And more than once I've had a book in mind that I really want to read, and it just appears there. Spooky. This recently happened with Vernon God Little. The book gods read my mind.

There are also titles you can almost ALWAYS find, for instance The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightime, will always be there, in various cover printings and foreign editions. And some random Penguin Classic, today it was Vanity Fair, Jane Austen and Charles Dickens are also a popular finds.

Sometimes the books show up in themes, like someone's taken a class, or rather dropped out of a class, since the spines are usually uncracked and visibly unread. One time I found The Bookseller of Kabul, Reading Lolita in Tehran, and Inside the Kingdom--the "middle-east light" selection, I call it.

Other Oxfam Finds have included

Burberry 100% camel hair coat (unfortunately 4 sizes too big for me.)
Hugo Boss sport coat for Karsten (it fit)
Italian silk scarf
pewter pill case shaped like a tiny purse or portemonnaie
coasters with martini recipes and pictures on them

I will keep you posted on new fabulous finds with a recurring Oxfam Finds post.

Happy Pfingsten!

2006-06-05T21:28:00.000+02:00

Yay! It's yet another public holiday in Germany: PFINGKSTEN. (See exactly one week ago, the last public holiday here. Need some time off? Move to Germany.)

Pfinksten is another of those obscure Catholic holidays nobody's quite sure what the gist is. There was actually a poll on TV where they asked random people on the street what Pfinksten is and NOBODY knew. Not one. None.

I just found out (from a 10 second search of Wikipedia) that it's the day after Pentecost. Yay! Also called Whit Monday in Ireland and the United Kingdom. Maybe Etta or other Catholic school alumnus readers can enlighten us further.

That's about the extent of it, good enough reason for a day off I guess!

Oh, and perfect holiday Weather in Cologne: 57°F (14°C) and SUNNY!

They're Writing This Stuff For Me

2006-06-02T15:37:00.000+02:00

Thanks to a tip, I found the hilarious "Germany Survival Bible" dedicated to making fun of german sterotypes. What could be more fun?! The original idea, I think, was to explain some of the idiosyncrasies of Deutschland for visitors arriving for the soccer World Cup this month. To me it reads like a huge vent-fest for foreigners and germans alike to wonder about german toilets and genetic crankiness. I've recapped some of the more hilarious articles, just the headlines on these crack me up:

The German National Pastime: Whining, Bitching and Moaning: A certain amount of complaining would be understandable, even acceptable, if Germans had any real reason to complain. But for the most part, they don't. Unlike in the US, there aren't giant potholes in the streets, public transportation exists and is generally extremely reliable, everybody has health insurance, people have four to eight weeks of paid vacation, and politicians aren't any more incompetent than anywhere else.

Teutonic Humor: Vee Have Vays of Making You Laugh: Germany is a nation of humorless robots that will show up to a meeting exactly on time, but who don't know a thing about comic timing. Is Teutonic humor an oxymoron?

Sorry, We're Closed: The Challenge of Spending Money in Germany: It's not just Sundays. Should you actually have a job in Germany and be forced to work into the early evening, you can forget about shopping for groceries on the way home. Or filling a prescription. Or trying to bank. Or buying anything that doesn't involve a vending machine.

Waiting for a Waiter: Surviving Germany's Service Wasteland You'd think getting a beer in the world's beer capital would be easy. But first, you have to get the attention of a German waiter. They, on the other hand, are genetically programmed to ignore you. The universal sign of friendliness -- the smile -- is something most Germans just can't muster. Treating customers as an unwelcome intrusion on an otherwise perfectly fine day in the shop is the norm.

Got a Light? Krauts and Cancer Sticks Germans are health crazed -- except when it comes to smoking. The country leads Western Europe in tobocco consumption. Nothing like a coffin nail after a meat-free, organic quiche.

German Men: Hunky, Handsome, Wimpy and Weak: German males are not only fine physical specimens, but they're also weak, wimpy, afraid of commitment, and painfully shy. Bottom line: If you want a relationship with a German dude, be prepared to do the heavy lifting yourself.

Bureaucracy Gone Awry: The German Certificate Fetish: (I wasn't making up that stuff about needing to be 'certified' to walk dogs at the animal shelter.) Collecting and storing certificates documenting every aspect of life is a national pastime. And if you don't have the right one, you may not exist. Applications in Germany need certificates documenting almost every year of an applicant's life from the moment he or she entered elementary school until the moment the application is signed.

Baring It All: Get Naked with the Germans: The Germans love to be naked. They'll strip off just about anywhere and any time. You'll see naked Germans everywhere. Lying on the banks of the Isar River smack in the center of Munich. On the shores of the Havel on the outskirts of Berlin. In public parks. Then there's the sauna. (remember my nude shower scene?)

The Oompa Loompa Look: Why Are so many Germans Orange? Did you know Germans invented the tanning bed? Germans love to fake 'n' bake. So much so that the skin colors in late winter are postively alarming -- ranging from jaundice yellow to Tuscan terracotta.

Bavarian Cuisine: The Albino Hot Dog When it comes to cuisine, Germany is at a disadvantage. Bavarian breakfast: a white sausage is little more than spiced leftovers from the slaughter house crammed into a bit of pig intestine.

The Hasselhoff Blemish: Germany's Ticklish History: Germany has a lot of skeletons in its historical closet. One in particular makes younger Germans fidget. The popularity of David Hasselhoff is simply impossible to explain.

Now what in the world am I going to write about, they've stolen my thunder...

Current Weather in Cologne: we've made it up to 56F (13C) today and mostly partly cloudy, only one shower so far! In german terms, it's a beautiful day!

News Flash: Germans Named Europe's "Least Friendly"

2006-05-31T16:32:00.000+02:00

And this is not according to ME, but Readers Digest magazine. And not just in the opinion of Americans, but respondents from 19 countries. Germany came out the 'wurst'. Ha. ha.

According to the article "Blame it on the Lederhosen" from Deutsche Welle, Germany still isn't well loved by its neighbors.

Not shocking, I know. Italy scores best over all due to universal love of Italian food and the people with the most 'sex appeal' . Ok, nobody goes to Germany for the food. It's gross, incredibly bland and greasy. Unless you love stinky cheese or beer, it's completely void of 'cuisine'.

Germany's only positive spin: they topped the categories of "most hardworking" and "most efficient." Super. Sounds like a country full of unfriendly, efficient, automaton robots with no sex appeal.

Stop by for a vist, won't you?! I'll take you out for potatoes fried in lard, meat encased in intestines, and beer that will give you a yeast infection, served by an unsmiling robot. Sound fun?

But remember we'll finish the meal with a truly fantastic slice of cake or two.

Current Weather Conditions in Cologne: 52°F (11°C) MIST.

Daily Complaint: The Weather

2006-05-30T16:17:00.000+02:00

How can you people *live* here? Every day the same thing. Day in, day out.

Before I moved here I researched the climate a little. 'Little' being the operative word. In my limited research I found Cologne has nearly identical yearly precipitation as Washington DC, and I thought "oh, that's not that bad." What I didn't know was, as opposed to Washington where most of the rain accumulates from 1/2 hour summer thunderstorms dropping a dramatic amount of rain in a short time, in Cologne it's more dispersed.

A lot more dispersed. Like dispersed over 360 days a year falling mostly all day in some form of either drizzle, mist, or shower. We do have, intermittently and unpredictably, windows of clear sky in between the showers. But by the time I notice them they're over, often as soon as you turn away from the window.

Ok, so I'm a big complainer, and in DC I constantly complained about the heat and humidity and the OPRESSIVE sun pounding down on me all summer. And I still hate that. But at least you get some second hand vitaminD to combat the depression. Here it's reason #2 of why everyone (including me) is so cranky, unfriendly and never smiles. At least I won't get wrinkles from smiling or sun damage.

What are you wearing?

2006-05-29T16:49:00.000+02:00

This weekend I found the mother lode shoe outlet in Cologne. Sometimes when I find a good outlet, I start to hyperventilate and have trouble focusing. Then I have to remind myself over and over "dont' be greedy" and try to decide on just one or two things. I was unsucessful. I blame K, who got bored and told me "Just get both and let's go!" So I ended up with these two, frighteningly similar shoes:

Adidas Superstar II with red stripe. The 80s hip hop shoe is back. Every time I look at my feet I think "You Be Illin'" (not sure why I don't hear "My ah-DIDAS," but memories are selective.) I did the mature thing and didn't get the ones with the green sparkle stripe, but the more adult subdued classic red. Long live Run DMC.

Adidas Mebourne blue stripe. Strikingly similar, aren't they? But this is the more sophisticated shoe. Ok don't ask me why the hell I bought these, I got greedy, I admit it.

So now I have new problem. Having spent my summer shoe allowance and bought one more pair than I should have and feeling bad, I wish I had a pair of navy blue Chucks. And Chucks aren't cheap. They look cheap, but deceptively expensive. Fingers crossed that as the summer goes on, I learn to love the Superstar and forget about my crush on Chuck. Otherwise I lay awake wallowing in my affluent guilt that my trendy shoes could feed a family of five for a month.

SO what are you wearing?!

Happy Christie Himmelfahrt!

2006-05-25T17:10:00.000+02:00

Today's a public holiday in Germany. I should mention there are TONS of public holidays in germany, in addition to the mandatory-by-law-minimum 5 weeks vacation. This is a Catholic country (in theory, not in church going) so every single possible religious holiday is celebrated with a day off.

Even if nobody has any idea what the holiday is or why it's significant. I've asked lots of people what holiday it is and nobody knows. To the outsider it looks like a drinking holiday starting last night with staying out late getting drunk, so bars and restaurants were packed. My sincere inquiry whether any of these people were going to get up and go to church in the morning was met with laughter, which I take it means NO.

I looked it up on the internet, apparently in english it's Corpus Christie, ten days after Pentecost, or Ascention day. That explains a lot (by which I mean nothing) since I don't know what pentecost is. I tried reading about it on Wikipedia but it's too boring.

I guess there are a lot of holidays in the United States that aren't that significant, like Labor Day and Presidents Day etc. And we make it more vulgar by drinking and, in true American style usually making it a big consumer shopping day with special sales. Here they just stay out late and sleep in.

Two Great Films

2006-05-22T19:09:00.000+02:00

I watched two totally different yet totally great films this weekend. Ok, I'm kind of dorky when it comes to films, bit if you don't like one you're bound to like the other. Neither one is feel-good hollywood fluff though, you've been warned.

The Misfits (1961) Written by Arthur Miller, directed by John Huston.
Clark Gable, Marilyn Monroe, Montgomery Clift

The picture on the dvd makes it look some cheesy western, possibly with singing and dancing, but it's so not that at all. It's a depressing and emotional story of four directionless misfits each with his/her own issues. Monroe's character is especially over-sensitive and the conscience of the group (I admit she's a better comedic actor but holds her own here.) Montgomery Clift is great as the strong silent cowboy type, but poor Clark Gable looks like he's wearing a diaper most of the time. By the end you'll be emotionally drained, despite the attempt at what seems a tacked on happy ending.

THX 1138 (1970) Written and directed by George Lucas, starring Robert Duvall

This is Lucas' first full-lenght film, pre star wars and all that. I found this while looking for American Graffiti, which is not available for rental in Germany, but THX 1138 the director's cut is, figure that one out.

But wow, what an amazing find. It's very abstract filmmaking, as was popular in the late sixties/early seventies, with a very loose plot and almost no dialog it's not for everyone. But the look, feel, and sound give a very convicing feel of futuristic foreigness. It's full of the kind of detail of early star wars movies--Lucas is (was) brilliant at creating believeable foreign enviroments and using sound and camera to amazing effect.

It's so completely obvious how set and costume design of The Island was a pathetic rip off from TXH, in fact Island was just a fluffed up, cheesy hollywood take on it. See if you agree.

Just amazing filmmaking, and you can't help thinking "what happened?!" How could someone with this brilliant a start make 'Revenge of the Sith'?

Gifts and The Misguided Thougts Behind Them

2006-05-18T18:40:00.000+02:00

It's the thought that counts, even when there's clearly no thought involved. I continue to be amused by gifts my friends get from boyfriends. Whenever a friend gets a particularly bad gift from a boyfriend, I alwaystry to tell them it doesn't (necessarily) mean he doesn't love you, or that he wasn't thinking, but that he just doesn't get it.

I once had a roommate who was the down to earth crunchy granola type. Her long-term boyfriend gave her for Christmas a lime green sequined nylon pantsuit. I never saw it, but she decribed it like one of those cheesy nylon liesure suits women in Las Vegas or New Jersey wore mainly in the early ninetys. She said it was as if he walked into a store and pointed to the first thing he saw and said "I'll take that." Clearly no thought involved.

Another friend T was kind-of sort-of dating a guy. For christmas during the kind-of sort-of period he gave her a lovely set of (name brand) china salad tongs. That's right, salad tongs. Not the kind of thing you want even from a family member, and especially not from a guy your kind-of sort-of dating. I personally think it was a recycled gift of some sort that seemed to him vaguely female appropriate. But he obviously just didn't get it either.

My friend M was dating a guy who for Valentine's Day gave her a bag of oranges. Not a gourmet gift basket of oranges, but a plastic mesh bag of oranges from Kroger. She chucked them one-by-one into the woods and felt good about doing her part to combat scurvey in the squirrel population. The relationship ended soon after.

So usually it means he doesn't get it. Maybe not always. Decide for yourself. And please share away with more amusing and ill-advised gifts to and from loved ones.

How do I live without this?

2006-05-16T17:13:00.000+02:00

I know I live in another country, almost another planet, but have you seen this? What gives? Cool idea, I guess, but it doesn't look like any fun to play with. Couldn't she have real, fabric clothes, and maybe a pony?

Jane Austen Action Figure
Jane Austen was one of the greatest English novelists in history. Despite a rather sheltered life, she was able to capture the subtleties of human interaction so perfectly that her novels continue to be immensely popular to this day. This 5-1/4" tall, hard vinyl action figure comes with a book (Pride & Prejudice) and a writing desk with removable quill pen!

It's called 'Dignity'

2006-05-14T21:30:00.000+02:00

(This is the last dog-blog post for a while, I swear.)

Some things I like best about my dog are the things she DOESN'T do. For instance she's not an "outdoorsy" dog, in fact she's very "indoorsy." She rolls her eyes when a walk is suggested, and prefers to stay in bed.

She also doesn't do vulgar dog things like BARK or act as a watchdog in any way. And it would be beneath her fetch anything, or catch a frisbee or similar object like the outdoorsy breeds.

No interest in water sports.

The only remotely interesting outdoor activity is HUNTING, but even this she's getting over since it requires jumping and getting excited.

It's as if she has an innate sense of dignity and decorum without being prissy. In return there are certain things I have vowed to her she will never, ever be required to do:

She will never, ever wear antlers, or party hats of any kind, a bow tie or bandana, or (worst of all) sunglasses.

There will be no posing for photos in 'people' positions such as playing a piano, using a computer, or riding a skateboard.

She will never be asked to learn a dance routine from the 'Grease' soundtrack, or do any stupid tricks for that matter. Basic obedience is fine, cutesy tricks are not.

In short, nothing humiliating like THIS .

The Dog Blog

2006-05-09T18:08:00.000+02:00

Conchitaweeta! Just kidding, but I really like Dari's idea of a made up spanish sounding name. How do you pronounce Pilar, is it Pee-lar or Pie-lar?

Is Agata really that bad anyway? I'm starting to like it, and we already call her that about half the time and OLIVE the other half (from my fav dog story Olive the Other Reindeer.)

So here are the updates: she played with her toy rat today! but she's also having bad dreams where she whines twitches. Not much luck housebreaking either, she gets stagefright from the activity outside and can't go.

Meet (and help me rename) AGATA!

2006-05-08T15:19:00.000+02:00

We finally got a dog! How long have I had serious greyhound lust, 5 years? Finally.

Agata's a cute little greyhound from a racetrack in Barcelona that closed. She was lucky enough to make it into an animal shelter in Spain, then a shelter in Belgium, then to us. She has a passport in Catalan.

And she's uber-cutie! It looks like she's been well taken care of, except she's really dirty.

So what in the world should I call her? She doesn't answer to Agata so it doesn't even have to be close. What's a good Spanish girls' name?

World Cup Mania

2006-05-04T19:31:00.000+02:00

Germany's hosting the soccer world cup this year. Unlike say the 'world series' in baseball which isn't really 'world' anything because only US teams play, this is actually the best players from a bunch of countries playing against each other. At least I think it is, and I'm certain about the many countries part.

And Germany's all excited. They've already announced that stores and brothels can stay open late 7 days a week! But only during the tournament for the tourists, then it's back to never or rarely open random days a week for us local people who don't deserve convenient hours.

Now whenever I buy something, like a bag of chips or a DEODORANT, it comes with the silly world cup logo on it. This logo embarasses me it's so bad, like an explosion of emoticons.

But trophy is more on the creepy side. This thing is really wierd, it scares me. It kind of looks like an ice cream cone. Really though, it looks like something that takes batteries and is better made of latex, not gold plated. The winner gets to take THIS home:

Nice Haystacks

2006-05-02T17:23:00.000+02:00

Sometimes it's fun being a foreign speaker-- you say the stupidist things. Often it's the listener's stifled giggling that gives it away.

Once I told a pharmacist (in german) "my stomach hurts" while pointing to my throat, but usually I'm clueless why they're giggling.

My friend's example is the classic: She needed a hairbrush. The german word for 'brush' is 'bürste'--dangerously similar, with the critical reversal of the u and r. In her best german she accidentally asked a typically-not-so-friendly older Cologne sales lady "Haben Sie Haare Bruste" or "Do you have hair breasts?" Friend said the saleslady was NOT amused.

I know I have a juvenile sense of humor, but can you imagine?

Sunday Brunch Das Blog Style

2006-04-30T15:50:00.000+02:00

Why does this happen, does anyone know?

I don't cook, in case you don't know that about me. Luckily my guests cancelled anyway.

The next time you're planning (=fantasizing) a martha stewart-style sunday brunch spread, think of The Das Blog rule #1 of entertaining: make reservations. Save the entertaining for cocktails and things that can be eaten with toothpics. But then I'm a cynic, and lazy.

Suburban white middle class guilt

2006-04-27T20:38:00.000+02:00

We had a student visit the animal shelter to see if she maybe wanted a career in animal care. My guess is her answer at the end of the day is 'No'. The clincher may have been when she asked if it was ok to pet Mattes, and I said 'Sure, but be careful he has a diarrhea problem and stinks, watch out for his butt, but he's really sweet!' She made a face and decided to mop the floor instead.

Somehow this underscores the distateful contradiction to me working there too. While hosing shit it occured to me: Wait a minute, I don't even clean my OWN house, I pay someone else to do it. Yet here I am hosing cat shit for FREE...

There's a confusing irony in this situation. I feel kind of pathetic volunteering my free time cleaning up after homeless animals, just so I don't feel guilty for being so affluent and lazy. Wouldn't it make more sense if I just cleaned my own damn apartment and paid my cleaning woman to go to the animal shelter-- just cut out the middle man?

But see I feel good about cleaning cat cages, and I feel aversion to cleaning my own mess. I don't have time for that, I have volunteer work to do! (I feel like the rich lady in that Dorothy Parker short story "Song of the Shirt, 1941")

Anyone who's spent an hour with me knows I'm loaded down with "suburban white middle class guilt" which sums up my feelings about my cushy, priviledged, life of sloth. Consider that about half the world's population doesn't have access to clean drinking water, and I shower in it and hose down cat cages with it! This just doesn't seem fair.

But why's everyone else apparently immune to this guilt? Think of the celebrities who go to Africa to volunteer, while at home they have people cleaning their houses, cooking their food and maintenancing their toenails. Do they feel guilty?

So the question is do I continue to work at the animal shelter and feel good about it, or am I being a pathetic (comparatively) rich lady who's just trying to soothe her own conscience?

The Hen Party

2006-04-24T21:42:00.000+02:00

Scratch one thing off the list of things to do in life: I've put a dollar, with my teeth, directly into the butt crack of a (male) stripper whose ass was positioned 1 centimeter from my nose.

Instead of a "bachelorette party" here they have a "hen party." It also involves the bride's friends, alcohol, and humiliating games. Lots of tequila was consumed. We then head to DOLLHOUSE for a table dance by a police officer stripper. Most of what you'll see is The Hen selling stuff on the street to earn money to buy drinks.

Dollhouse was actually a pleasant surprise. Well, maybe not 'pleasant' but much less creepy than expected. It's co-ed, both in strippers and customers, so no leering perverts, but still creepy in the stripping kind of way. And I learned that even 20-year-olds who look good with their stripper-gear on don't necessarily look that good with it off.

(Get ready to turn down the volume, sorry. And not exactly safe for work, either.)

Movie: Easter at the In-Laws

2006-04-18T16:26:00.000+02:00

NEW--Digitally Remastered: more scenes, new sound. Watch it again for the first time!

Can you tell I feel a bit like a kid at the grown-ups table? All that German conversation gets on my nerves, so I just tune out and play with the camera. This gives you a good taste of life in Deutschland.

Lord Vader's Handicapped Parking Space

2006-04-17T18:17:00.000+02:00

I'm working on editing my first film, tentatively titled "Easter at the In-Laws," but have no idea what I'm doing so it will take a while. Stand by, it should premier this week, fingers crossed.

Meanwhile please enjoy this illegal photo of a car being towed from Lord Vader's personal handicapped space. Lord Vader lives downstairs, he's the building maintenance guy but with only 1/2 a lung can't do much. That's right, 1/2 of one lung after smoking incessantly for 50 years and having the other one-and-a-half lungs removed. Hence the labored breathing and the nick name Lord Vader. On the bright side, the city gave him a personal handicapped space, which is so poorly marked someone is almost always parked there illegally.

When the two metermaids in dark coats noticed me with my camera they started SCREAMING at me that it was FORBIDDEN to photograph them, and threated to come up and confiscate the camera. In spite, I'm posting their picture.

Homer-esque Fantasy

2006-04-14T09:36:00.000+02:00

It's easter in a catholic country, remember what I said about the chocolate? Etta's right, it truly is like Homer's fantasy of skipping through the Land of Chocolate. Help yourself to the plethora of themed candy. And it's not like I ran all over town taking these, they're all in the same store, which pushed its regular groceries out of the way to dedicate the space to easter candy.

Let's start with the good stuff, Lindt. Oh, and there's another display right behind me!

Need more? There's another huge display right around the corner.

And now we're getting into the cheap stuff, but still, LOTS of it.

Now go home and gorge, then collapse in a diabetic coma.

Blog on Blog Action

2006-04-13T14:53:00.000+02:00

First I blogged about (stole) a Taiwanese woman's blog, now finally someone has blogged about MY BLOG! And I think she's german. Seems she's slightly annoyed that I suggested she has BO, and she also points out some hilarious stereotypes about Americans. I LOVE laughing at myself and especially others, don't you?

Apparently we all look alike, which I'm assuming she means 'dress' alike, since we're black/white/asian/hispanic etc. every nationality in the world. Otherwise "ALL Americans have to stuff their t-shirts into their pants, wear ridiculously huge glasses and must not be well versed in topics not concerning their own country."

I get the feeling she's referring to 'small town' america, which I wholeheartedly agree is, in most cases, a hideous and cultureless homogeny.

I'm taking the bait and suggest we collect some hilarious stereotypes of Americans. I'll start, you contribute.

CHARACTER:

We're LOUD
We're greedy capitalist pigs
We don't care about insignifigant topics not related to our country because other smaller, less important foreign countries don't really count.
We're judgemental christian zealots
we don't smoke and think everything's unhealthy, but we're still FAT

CLOTHING:

the embellished, decorated, themed sweater/puff-paint sweatshirt.
pleated Dockers/jeans with or without braided belt.
white athletic shoes worn as everyday shoes, esp. while traveling
the BASEBALL CAPS!
fake fingernails/overly processed hair
compulsive showering

CULTURE:

we don't have any
we ride horses to school (yes, someone in Austria once asked me if, when I lived in Arizona, I rode a horse to school)
We all drive huge SUVs so we can start wars for oil/we're ruining the environment
we elect white male morons more often than not

I guess bad taste really knows no boundaries...

More Funny Names

2006-04-12T14:05:00.000+02:00

Today I'm not going to Wormland or to see Carl Kramp, but the grocery store 'miniMAL.' I think the name refers to the minimal selection of food available, even though it's the biggest supermarket around. First stop, instant pudding.

This pudding's kind of degrading to the Polish. They're in the EU now, but guess they haven't updated the packaging since communism died. What is that yellow border, are those supposed to be lemonheads? or popcorn?

Which do you prefer, Corny or Corny Free? Even though both have nothing to do with corn.

And who wants Tapas for breakfast? Or mini-wheats as an appetizer, either way, yuk.

Why, you ask, is the german flag tied in a bow around the box? And what's with the glowing blue outline? I don't know. Even stranger is what 'Meister Proper' is supposed to mean, Master of Orderliness? Yikes, he's scaring me, all orderly and uptight.

Happy Birthday

2006-04-11T15:46:00.000+02:00

Das Blog is about to become A LOT more interesting:My crappy Quicktime movies will now have sound.
I also got this, taken with the new camera:

Cranium: International Edition

2006-04-10T21:51:00.000+02:00

There is no such thing as Cranium: International Edition, but there needs to be. We finally got this game smuggled into Germany, but playing it turned out to be, um, a challenge.

According to the directions, it should take about an hour to play. We started at 10pm, and by 1:30am were SO exausted (and no longer the least bit drunk) we had to quit. Nobody had even made it into the “inner cranim” area by this time.

The problem is it’s just too culturally biased to play with anyone who didn’t grow up in the United States between maybe 1960 and the present. Since we were thee Americans, three Germans, one Georgian (the other georgia) and one Irish, it was a struggle to find knowledge common enough between us to finish the game.

Some things non-Americans may be unfamiliar with:

The theme song to “Star Wars”
George Washington and Martha Stewart
Football, or anything having to do with it (which here you have to specify “American Football” because football means soccer of course, and there are no soccer questions in Cranium)
A Tucan: if you’ve never seen a Fruit Loops commercial, you don’t know what one is.

Some surprising things that turned out to be international:

The Energizer Bunny (everyone knew who that is)
Alice in Wonderland (even if they only know the Russian name)
A Half-Pipe (and I'm not sure the Dad in the group knew what this was)
The Buddha

Oh, and if you're scary smart, you may even be able to spell "zoology" backwards, on the first try, even though english is not your first or even second language.

Day One: Animal Shelter

2006-04-06T19:03:00.000+02:00

My dedicated fans will recall my many attempts at volunteering in Germany, and that I am going through a multi-phase testing process to work (unpaid) at the animal shelter. After three preliminary meetings and documentation of the proper immunization (!) I actually got to volunteer today.

WHAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE: I’m not sure exactly why, but I had pictured myself sitting in an armchair (or perhaps on a couch) in a pleasant, sunny room surrounded by an assortment of needy cats all purring and begging for petting and attention. They would take turns sitting on my lap and being adorable, then play with cat toys.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY WAS: Backbreaking, wet, cold work. Four hours solid of scooping poop, sweeping, and hosing off. I met 9 cats, 3 of which were very ill, and 5 were extremely shy/terrified. I spent the approximately 15mins total available time allowed for petting/interaction petting a blanket with a terrified cat underneath and giving treats to a very cute, very overweight and very grateful ‘Spiky.’

WILL I GO BACK? I think so.

My pimple v big expand

2006-04-05T17:23:00.000+02:00

Hi, today I'm stealing content from a Taiwanese girl named Ayumi Hamasaki. It's brilliant, I've edited out some exclamation points, but otherwise it's verbatim.

maamaaaaa!!!my pimple v big expand until the whole chin. fcuk it jus now i wan go c docter der buden zhenguo sae cnort. cb hors.v pain. i wan cry.. i now canort even tork the pain is unbearable. will i remain disfigured foreva. if this pimple gerts okay i promise ta treat my face wifh good facial products no mor toothpaste.

i cant even go sch i tynk i nid a mc. mebe dis tym i realie nid ta mia. my face the only thng i can show. now is ruin. fcuk. i applied bout 3 products alr buden no use i v sad. how ta show my face ta publc. shhh.. dont tell or i will jus die. if peple c my pimple dey will dislike me le. waah. zhenguo sumore keep laugh. so cb. i v sad. i cnort tok. toking is my life. zhenguo sae no diff. he lied cos i can feel the lump. altough it is colorless i feel lyk there is this lump der.
i NID COSMESTIC SURGERY ASAP!!!

Toking is my life too, Ayumi. Can anyone figure out what buden means?

2006-04-05T14:31:00.000+02:00

"A World Full of Possibilities"

Not mine, from StadtReview 01-05

Anne and Henry: Mutual Aversion

2006-04-04T14:00:00.000+02:00

Some talk of Hans Holbein recently reminded me of this portrait, which reminded me that one of King Henry VIII’s wives was GERMAN.

Anne of Cleves was his fourth and luckiest wife who managed not only to keep her head but also got a couple of “stately manors,” a bunch of money and the privilege of living independently after their divorce. He annuled their marriage before he even consumated it for, among other reasons including saggy breasts and belly, her disagreeable body odor!

According to one account: “She was taller than Henry's other wives, and many people later commented that she was afflicted with an excessive amount of body odor. The King was said to have noticed her smell more than once. He found her stupid, lacking of wit, and musical skills. After she learned courtly skills, Anne became all the things Henry said she lacked, including playing a mean game of cards, and people began to like her. It was thought that Anne loved her new found freedoms in England. Although she admired a few courtiers, she never wanted to marry again.”

I should also point out the dislike was probably mutual-- she was apparently equally grossed out by Henry who was twice her age and morbidly obese.

So not to keep harping on the BO, but this kind of puts it in hisorical context. It came in pretty handy for Anne and got her out of a tough situation into a life of luxury and independence. So the moral of the story is: Sometimes BOs not all bad, and you never know when it’s going to work in your favor!

Nude Shower Scene

2006-04-03T14:37:00.000+02:00

I’m not just trying to drive up my google search hits, I actually have a scenario to discuss, regarding the gym and nudity. Here’s the scene:

I dragged my ass to the gym in time for Pilates on Friday (10am, it’s tough) followed by “Ab Express” only there’s some confusion about who’s teaching the abs class. Turns out Anna the really, really nice teacher can’t teach, she’s sorry, we’ll do it next week, she’s very chatty and apologetic. Ok, fine.

Cut to later, the shower scene. I’ve just finished my shower as Anna’s coming into the shower area, we’re both completely naked except for our flip flops. We say Hi, and as I’m toweling off Anna decides to strike up a conversation. Normally I love Anna’s atypical friendliness, but it’s kind of awkward forcing myself to keep eye contact as she’s standing in front of me completely naked with her hand on her hip, and I’m trying to discreetly towel my butt.

Anna: Did you have a good workout?! Did you do a CLASS today?!
Me: Yeah, Pilates.
Anna: Was it GOOD?!
Me: Yeah, it’s good ab and back training.
Anna: I should do that.
Me: But I’m really lazy about my workouts. In fact I’ve gained 4 kilos since I joined here.
Anna: NO! Where?! (as she proceeds to look me up and down, head to toe, back and forth, several times. I’m still naked btw, so is she.)

I’m dry by now and manage to extricate myself from the situation. Teehee, this was too much for my juvenile sense of humor.

Another time I thought I heard a familiar Irish woman in the locker room, but being naked except for my towel turban, thought it best not to go running over to check. I figured whether it’s her or a not, I’m still in the awkward situation of reintroducing myself while possibly both of us are completely naked. When I later related this to my Irish friend, she said “Oh thank GOD you didn’t, I would have died of shame!”

See, she’s european, and she has shame. Actually, I thought the scenario was hilarious in its nude-awkwardness. But thinking about my gym scenes in the US, women were much more vigilant about wrapping towels around while in-transit, and keeping eyes on the floor during all nude changing scenes, and waiting until at least underweared to start chatting. Am I right? Now that I think of it, yikes, I was the Anna in the US.

Funny Names

2006-03-31T17:11:00.000+02:00

Foreign countries have funny names for everything. Either your name turns out to
also mean 'terrorist separatist group', or you're accidentally saying "two large wedgies please!" when you want veggie. Take for instance everyone's favorite men's store in Germany:

That's right: WORMLAND. When you're done at Wormland, be sure to run over to:

In case you can't read it, it says "BAD DESIGN" They do bathrooms, still it makes me giggle.

Golly, seems this store's gone out of buisness, so I can't tell you what they sell or did...

Finally this is an optician in Holland. As Nelson would say: "AH ha"

Speaking of Cake...

2006-03-30T17:58:00.000+02:00

I'm forcing a smile again today and NOT going to rant. Instead I'm listing some things I actually LIKE about Deutschland. Starting with...

THE CAKE: or "sugar" in general. Some of you know my love of cake, and all things sugar or chocolatey. It's everywhere. You know how ubiquitous CVS is in any US city? That's how many bakeries we have--two or three on every block. (I'm squeezing in a rant here: it's happened more than once that I've bought cake, only to discover when I got home that it reeked/tasted of the cigarette smoke it had been soaking in all day, thanks to the chronic smoking here. No need for preservatives.)

Include in this cateogory is candy and all things chocolate. You can tell a lot about a country by going to the grocery store. Look around, what's in everyone's cart? CHOCOLATE. Unlike my homeland where the cereal aisle is predictably the most comprehensive in the store, here the cereal aisle is scanty, but the candy aisle is stocked from floor to ceiling and end to end with a huge variety, from gummi coke bottles to chocolates in every shape and form. It's a staple. And I love it.

HAVING AN ACCENT: Did you ever think it would be fun to have a foreign accent, or try out your phony german or french accent in an airport or a museum? I don't have to fake it here, I have a foreign accent. What's better, they don't even think I'm american, they think I'm english. Tres chic, girls my age tell me how cute it is.

PET FRIENDLY: Dogs are allowed everywhere. I'm not exagerating: stores, restaurants, parties. You have to buy a metro ticket for your child, but dogs ride FREE. Here's a pic of a dog shopping with its family. Dogs also smoke here and don't wear deodorant, but still...

LOCATION: Cologne is particularly convenient to visiting other, friendlier, cuter places in northern europe such as Holland, Belgium and scandinavia. Places where adults will cross the street on red--free thinkers!

There's more where this came from, but I won't bore you with the Roman history and German Expressionism. At least not today...

The boy and his cake

2006-03-29T17:58:00.000+02:00

No complaining today. Sorry, I don't have the energy. Have a look into my psyche instead.

I like to draw on post-it notes, here's a classic:

World Class B.O.

2006-03-28T16:06:00.000+02:00

Turns out soccer isn't the only thing Germans are world masters of--there's also the B.O. Sure the Italians, Spanish, and don't forget the French, are all well known for their aromas. But that the German B.O. is so distinct is made more troubling by the fact this is not a WARM country. It can be the result of only one thing: (well, two) not bathing + not wearing deodorant.

Even on the most blustery cold day, the offending stench seeps through their parkas and boiled wool jackets. Trapped in a gondola once I thought I would die from the B.O. of the other passengers. People, if I can smell it though your layers and layers of ski clothes, you've got a serious problem. In this case I fear it was the triple-wammy of not bathing, no deodorant, and not washing clothes.

Here are some other possibly dangerous locations for egregious B.O.:

THE GYM: omg, can you imagine? I think you can. Then imagine walking into the yoga room where a step class has just finished, and you'll know why I rarely go to yoga. I swear someone smelled like mexican food, and not in a good way--people here don't eat mexican food.

TAXIS: Taxi drivers sit on their ass in their car all day and never break a sweat, so how could they possibly smell so foul? I'll tell you how= not bathing. And due to the weather, the windows are usually rolled up and the heater on. Are you getting the picture? right.

Movie Theaters: Same problem only multiplied by hundreds cramped in an enclosed space. Plus here the parkas and boiled wool jackets come off.

Add into the above equations no A/C in the summer (which I'll get into later) and the problem goes beyond annoying into unsanitary and possibly infectious. They sell deodorant here, why won't anyone besides me buy it or use it? When asked they'll tell deodorant is 'unhealthy', but so is your heinous B.O. people! What can I do?!

International Body Language

2006-03-27T20:49:00.000+02:00

I'm qualified for something! Turns out to work with cats (which I assume means pet, brush, play with and talk cute to) all I need is medical proof of a valid tetanus shot--which I happen to have from going to India ages ago. Whether or not they'll accept it, well, that's for another post...

So I'm starting there while I try to figure out/memorize this stupid test in German. Help me out:

Match the following descriptions with the postures shown below:

a) bored
b) sexy
c) showing off
d) gassy
e) depressed
f) flirty

Me Walk Pretty One Day

2006-03-24T18:27:00.000+01:00

Remember that David Sedaris story where he can't find a volunteering job in Europe because the government pays everyone to do everything? Right.

I live in the special part of Europe known as Germany, the world masters of burocracy, the land where you need a permit, certificate or license from the government to cross the street.

I tried the old folks home run by nuns, but unfortunately no, I do not have a special degree in old folks, and didn't realize I needed one to chat and play checkers. I tried the Red Cross, but they only take volunteers at the far away main office, and then only to people with medical skills. I offered to lick envelopes or whatever. No! No volunteers!

Finally the animal shelter occured to me. Nothing about volunteering on their web site, but they clearly have hundreds of dogs in need of walking and cats in need of petting. Plus a full-time staff of vetrinarians, certified animal care workers, and a landscaper. You'll notice too this shelter probably looks way better than your last hotel in Europe, and each dog has his or her own mini-chalet-style quarters. This part of europe is great, the part where they are humane and never kill animals (well except medical research...) or prisoners.

Although the official opening hours are only 2pm to 5pm daily, I took a chance and stopped by. A semi-friendly worker, who had by the way the most incredible orange mask of fake-bake and whose cigarette smoke was blowing directly into the face of a rabbit caged barely 12 inches away, informed me that to walk dogs I would need to take a test at the City Vetrinary Office and become a certified dog walker.

Fine. How hard can it be (even in German)? I downloaded it --20 PAGES! Here's a sample question:

Your dog is running free, and after calling several times doesn't come to you. What should you do?
The correct answer is d.) Turn and walk away.

(No really, that's really the right answer according to this test.)