Das Blog
Friday, March 31, 2006
Funny Names
Foreign countries have funny names for everything. Either your name turns out to
also mean 'terrorist separatist group', or you're accidentally saying "two large wedgies please!" when you want veggie. Take for instance everyone's favorite men's store in Germany:
That's right: WORMLAND. When you're done at Wormland, be sure to run over to:
In case you can't read it, it says "BAD DESIGN" They do bathrooms, still it makes me giggle.
Golly, seems this store's gone out of buisness, so I can't tell you what they sell or did...
Finally this is an optician in Holland. As Nelson would say: "AH ha"
¶ 5:11 PM 51 comments
also mean 'terrorist separatist group', or you're accidentally saying "two large wedgies please!" when you want veggie. Take for instance everyone's favorite men's store in Germany:
That's right: WORMLAND. When you're done at Wormland, be sure to run over to:
In case you can't read it, it says "BAD DESIGN" They do bathrooms, still it makes me giggle.
Golly, seems this store's gone out of buisness, so I can't tell you what they sell or did...
Finally this is an optician in Holland. As Nelson would say: "AH ha"
¶ 5:11 PM 51 comments
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Speaking of Cake...
I'm forcing a smile again today and NOT going to rant. Instead I'm listing some things I actually LIKE about Deutschland. Starting with...
THE CAKE: or "sugar" in general. Some of you know my love of cake, and all things sugar or chocolatey. It's everywhere. You know how ubiquitous CVS is in any US city? That's how many bakeries we have--two or three on every block. (I'm squeezing in a rant here: it's happened more than once that I've bought cake, only to discover when I got home that it reeked/tasted of the cigarette smoke it had been soaking in all day, thanks to the chronic smoking here. No need for preservatives.)
Include in this cateogory is candy and all things chocolate. You can tell a lot about a country by going to the grocery store. Look around, what's in everyone's cart? CHOCOLATE. Unlike my homeland where the cereal aisle is predictably the most comprehensive in the store, here the cereal aisle is scanty, but the candy aisle is stocked from floor to ceiling and end to end with a huge variety, from gummi coke bottles to chocolates in every shape and form. It's a staple. And I love it.
HAVING AN ACCENT: Did you ever think it would be fun to have a foreign accent, or try out your phony german or french accent in an airport or a museum? I don't have to fake it here, I have a foreign accent. What's better, they don't even think I'm american, they think I'm english. Tres chic, girls my age tell me how cute it is.
PET FRIENDLY: Dogs are allowed everywhere. I'm not exagerating: stores, restaurants, parties. You have to buy a metro ticket for your child, but dogs ride FREE. Here's a pic of a dog shopping with its family. Dogs also smoke here and don't wear deodorant, but still...
LOCATION: Cologne is particularly convenient to visiting other, friendlier, cuter places in northern europe such as Holland, Belgium and scandinavia. Places where adults will cross the street on red--free thinkers!
There's more where this came from, but I won't bore you with the Roman history and German Expressionism. At least not today... ¶ 5:58 PM 6 comments
THE CAKE: or "sugar" in general. Some of you know my love of cake, and all things sugar or chocolatey. It's everywhere. You know how ubiquitous CVS is in any US city? That's how many bakeries we have--two or three on every block. (I'm squeezing in a rant here: it's happened more than once that I've bought cake, only to discover when I got home that it reeked/tasted of the cigarette smoke it had been soaking in all day, thanks to the chronic smoking here. No need for preservatives.)Include in this cateogory is candy and all things chocolate. You can tell a lot about a country by going to the grocery store. Look around, what's in everyone's cart? CHOCOLATE. Unlike my homeland where the cereal aisle is predictably the most comprehensive in the store, here the cereal aisle is scanty, but the candy aisle is stocked from floor to ceiling and end to end with a huge variety, from gummi coke bottles to chocolates in every shape and form. It's a staple. And I love it.
HAVING AN ACCENT: Did you ever think it would be fun to have a foreign accent, or try out your phony german or french accent in an airport or a museum? I don't have to fake it here, I have a foreign accent. What's better, they don't even think I'm american, they think I'm english. Tres chic, girls my age tell me how cute it is.
PET FRIENDLY: Dogs are allowed everywhere. I'm not exagerating: stores, restaurants, parties. You have to buy a metro ticket for your child, but dogs ride FREE. Here's a pic of a dog shopping with its family. Dogs also smoke here and don't wear deodorant, but still...
LOCATION: Cologne is particularly convenient to visiting other, friendlier, cuter places in northern europe such as Holland, Belgium and scandinavia. Places where adults will cross the street on red--free thinkers!There's more where this came from, but I won't bore you with the Roman history and German Expressionism. At least not today... ¶ 5:58 PM 6 comments
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
The boy and his cake
No complaining today. Sorry, I don't have the energy. Have a look into my psyche instead.
I like to draw on post-it notes, here's a classic:
¶ 5:58 PM 4 comments
I like to draw on post-it notes, here's a classic:
¶ 5:58 PM 4 comments
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
World Class B.O.
Turns out soccer isn't the only thing Germans are world masters of--there's also the B.O. Sure the Italians, Spanish, and don't forget the French, are all well known for their aromas. But that the German B.O. is so distinct is made more troubling by the fact this is not a WARM country. It can be the result of only one thing: (well, two) not bathing + not wearing deodorant.
Even on the most blustery cold day, the offending stench seeps through their parkas and boiled wool jackets. Trapped in a gondola once I thought I would die from the B.O. of the other passengers. People, if I can smell it though your layers and layers of ski clothes, you've got a serious problem. In this case I fear it was the triple-wammy of not bathing, no deodorant, and not washing clothes.
Here are some other possibly dangerous locations for egregious B.O.:
THE GYM: omg, can you imagine? I think you can. Then imagine walking into the yoga room where a step class has just finished, and you'll know why I rarely go to yoga. I swear someone smelled like mexican food, and not in a good way--people here don't eat mexican food.
TAXIS: Taxi drivers sit on their ass in their car all day and never break a sweat, so how could they possibly smell so foul? I'll tell you how= not bathing. And due to the weather, the windows are usually rolled up and the heater on. Are you getting the picture? right.
Movie Theaters: Same problem only multiplied by hundreds cramped in an enclosed space. Plus here the parkas and boiled wool jackets come off.
Add into the above equations no A/C in the summer (which I'll get into later) and the problem goes beyond annoying into unsanitary and possibly infectious. They sell deodorant here, why won't anyone besides me buy it or use it? When asked they'll tell deodorant is 'unhealthy', but so is your heinous B.O. people! What can I do?!
¶ 4:06 PM 14 comments
Even on the most blustery cold day, the offending stench seeps through their parkas and boiled wool jackets. Trapped in a gondola once I thought I would die from the B.O. of the other passengers. People, if I can smell it though your layers and layers of ski clothes, you've got a serious problem. In this case I fear it was the triple-wammy of not bathing, no deodorant, and not washing clothes.Here are some other possibly dangerous locations for egregious B.O.:
THE GYM: omg, can you imagine? I think you can. Then imagine walking into the yoga room where a step class has just finished, and you'll know why I rarely go to yoga. I swear someone smelled like mexican food, and not in a good way--people here don't eat mexican food.
TAXIS: Taxi drivers sit on their ass in their car all day and never break a sweat, so how could they possibly smell so foul? I'll tell you how= not bathing. And due to the weather, the windows are usually rolled up and the heater on. Are you getting the picture? right.
Movie Theaters: Same problem only multiplied by hundreds cramped in an enclosed space. Plus here the parkas and boiled wool jackets come off.
Add into the above equations no A/C in the summer (which I'll get into later) and the problem goes beyond annoying into unsanitary and possibly infectious. They sell deodorant here, why won't anyone besides me buy it or use it? When asked they'll tell deodorant is 'unhealthy', but so is your heinous B.O. people! What can I do?!
¶ 4:06 PM 14 comments
Monday, March 27, 2006
International Body Language
I'm qualified for something! Turns out to work with cats (which I assume means pet, brush, play with and talk cute to) all I need is medical proof of a valid tetanus shot--which I happen to have from going to India ages ago. Whether or not they'll accept it, well, that's for another post...
So I'm starting there while I try to figure out/memorize this stupid test in German. Help me out:
Match the following descriptions with the postures shown below:
a) bored
b) sexy
c) showing off
d) gassy
e) depressed
f) flirty
¶ 8:49 PM 5 comments
So I'm starting there while I try to figure out/memorize this stupid test in German. Help me out:
Match the following descriptions with the postures shown below:
a) bored
b) sexy
c) showing off
d) gassy
e) depressed
f) flirty
¶ 8:49 PM 5 comments
Friday, March 24, 2006
Me Walk Pretty One Day
Remember that David Sedaris story where he can't find a volunteering job in Europe because the government pays everyone to do everything? Right.
I live in the special part of Europe known as Germany, the world masters of burocracy, the land where you need a permit, certificate or license from the government to cross the street.
I tried the old folks home run by nuns, but unfortunately no, I do not have a special degree in old folks, and didn't realize I needed one to chat and play checkers. I tried the Red Cross, but they only take volunteers at the far away main office, and then only to people with medical skills. I offered to lick envelopes or whatever. No! No volunteers!
Finally the animal shelter occured to me. Nothing about volunteering on their web site, but they clearly have hundreds of dogs in need of walking and cats in need of petting. Plus a full-time staff of vetrinarians, certified animal care workers, and a landscaper. You'll notice too this shelter probably looks way better than your last hotel in Europe, and each dog has his or her own mini-chalet-style quarters. This part of europe is great, the part where they are humane and never kill animals (well except medical research...) or prisoners.
Although the official opening hours are only 2pm to 5pm daily, I took a chance and stopped by. A semi-friendly worker, who had by the way the most incredible orange mask of fake-bake and whose cigarette smoke was blowing directly into the face of a rabbit caged barely 12 inches away, informed me that to walk dogs I would need to take a test at the City Vetrinary Office and become a certified dog walker.
Fine. How hard can it be (even in German)? I downloaded it --20 PAGES! Here's a sample question:
Your dog is running free, and after calling several times doesn't come to you. What should you do?
The correct answer is d.) Turn and walk away.
(No really, that's really the right answer according to this test.) ¶ 6:27 PM 10 comments
I live in the special part of Europe known as Germany, the world masters of burocracy, the land where you need a permit, certificate or license from the government to cross the street.
I tried the old folks home run by nuns, but unfortunately no, I do not have a special degree in old folks, and didn't realize I needed one to chat and play checkers. I tried the Red Cross, but they only take volunteers at the far away main office, and then only to people with medical skills. I offered to lick envelopes or whatever. No! No volunteers!
Finally the animal shelter occured to me. Nothing about volunteering on their web site, but they clearly have hundreds of dogs in need of walking and cats in need of petting. Plus a full-time staff of vetrinarians, certified animal care workers, and a landscaper. You'll notice too this shelter probably looks way better than your last hotel in Europe, and each dog has his or her own mini-chalet-style quarters. This part of europe is great, the part where they are humane and never kill animals (well except medical research...) or prisoners.
Although the official opening hours are only 2pm to 5pm daily, I took a chance and stopped by. A semi-friendly worker, who had by the way the most incredible orange mask of fake-bake and whose cigarette smoke was blowing directly into the face of a rabbit caged barely 12 inches away, informed me that to walk dogs I would need to take a test at the City Vetrinary Office and become a certified dog walker.Fine. How hard can it be (even in German)? I downloaded it --20 PAGES! Here's a sample question:
Your dog is running free, and after calling several times doesn't come to you. What should you do?The correct answer is d.) Turn and walk away.
(No really, that's really the right answer according to this test.) ¶ 6:27 PM 10 comments
