Das Blog
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Sunday Brunch Das Blog Style
Why does this happen, does anyone know?
I don't cook, in case you don't know that about me. Luckily my guests cancelled anyway.
The next time you're planning (=fantasizing) a martha stewart-style sunday brunch spread, think of The Das Blog rule #1 of entertaining: make reservations. Save the entertaining for cocktails and things that can be eaten with toothpics. But then I'm a cynic, and lazy.
¶ 3:50 PM 6 comments
Why does this happen, does anyone know?
I don't cook, in case you don't know that about me. Luckily my guests cancelled anyway.
The next time you're planning (=fantasizing) a martha stewart-style sunday brunch spread, think of The Das Blog rule #1 of entertaining: make reservations. Save the entertaining for cocktails and things that can be eaten with toothpics. But then I'm a cynic, and lazy.
¶ 3:50 PM 6 comments
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Suburban white middle class guilt
We had a student visit the animal shelter to see if she maybe wanted a career in animal care. My guess is her answer at the end of the day is 'No'. The clincher may have been when she asked if it was ok to pet Mattes, and I said 'Sure, but be careful he has a diarrhea problem and stinks, watch out for his butt, but he's really sweet!' She made a face and decided to mop the floor instead.
Somehow this underscores the distateful contradiction to me working there too. While hosing shit it occured to me: Wait a minute, I don't even clean my OWN house, I pay someone else to do it. Yet here I am hosing cat shit for FREE...
There's a confusing irony in this situation. I feel kind of pathetic volunteering my free time cleaning up after homeless animals, just so I don't feel guilty for being so affluent and lazy. Wouldn't it make more sense if I just cleaned my own damn apartment and paid my cleaning woman to go to the animal shelter-- just cut out the middle man?
But see I feel good about cleaning cat cages, and I feel aversion to cleaning my own mess. I don't have time for that, I have volunteer work to do! (I feel like the rich lady in that Dorothy Parker short story "Song of the Shirt, 1941")
Anyone who's spent an hour with me knows I'm loaded down with "suburban white middle class guilt" which sums up my feelings about my cushy, priviledged, life of sloth. Consider that about half the world's population doesn't have access to clean drinking water, and I shower in it and hose down cat cages with it! This just doesn't seem fair.
But why's everyone else apparently immune to this guilt? Think of the celebrities who go to Africa to volunteer, while at home they have people cleaning their houses, cooking their food and maintenancing their toenails. Do they feel guilty?
So the question is do I continue to work at the animal shelter and feel good about it, or am I being a pathetic (comparatively) rich lady who's just trying to soothe her own conscience?
¶ 8:38 PM 6 comments
Somehow this underscores the distateful contradiction to me working there too. While hosing shit it occured to me: Wait a minute, I don't even clean my OWN house, I pay someone else to do it. Yet here I am hosing cat shit for FREE...
There's a confusing irony in this situation. I feel kind of pathetic volunteering my free time cleaning up after homeless animals, just so I don't feel guilty for being so affluent and lazy. Wouldn't it make more sense if I just cleaned my own damn apartment and paid my cleaning woman to go to the animal shelter-- just cut out the middle man?
But see I feel good about cleaning cat cages, and I feel aversion to cleaning my own mess. I don't have time for that, I have volunteer work to do! (I feel like the rich lady in that Dorothy Parker short story "Song of the Shirt, 1941")
Anyone who's spent an hour with me knows I'm loaded down with "suburban white middle class guilt" which sums up my feelings about my cushy, priviledged, life of sloth. Consider that about half the world's population doesn't have access to clean drinking water, and I shower in it and hose down cat cages with it! This just doesn't seem fair.
But why's everyone else apparently immune to this guilt? Think of the celebrities who go to Africa to volunteer, while at home they have people cleaning their houses, cooking their food and maintenancing their toenails. Do they feel guilty?
So the question is do I continue to work at the animal shelter and feel good about it, or am I being a pathetic (comparatively) rich lady who's just trying to soothe her own conscience?
¶ 8:38 PM 6 comments
Monday, April 24, 2006
The Hen Party
Scratch one thing off the list of things to do in life: I've put a dollar, with my teeth, directly into the butt crack of a (male) stripper whose ass was positioned 1 centimeter from my nose.
Instead of a "bachelorette party" here they have a "hen party." It also involves the bride's friends, alcohol, and humiliating games. Lots of tequila was consumed. We then head to DOLLHOUSE for a table dance by a police officer stripper. Most of what you'll see is The Hen selling stuff on the street to earn money to buy drinks.
Dollhouse was actually a pleasant surprise. Well, maybe not 'pleasant' but much less creepy than expected. It's co-ed, both in strippers and customers, so no leering perverts, but still creepy in the stripping kind of way. And I learned that even 20-year-olds who look good with their stripper-gear on don't necessarily look that good with it off.
(Get ready to turn down the volume, sorry. And not exactly safe for work, either.)
¶ 9:42 PM 3 comments
Instead of a "bachelorette party" here they have a "hen party." It also involves the bride's friends, alcohol, and humiliating games. Lots of tequila was consumed. We then head to DOLLHOUSE for a table dance by a police officer stripper. Most of what you'll see is The Hen selling stuff on the street to earn money to buy drinks.
Dollhouse was actually a pleasant surprise. Well, maybe not 'pleasant' but much less creepy than expected. It's co-ed, both in strippers and customers, so no leering perverts, but still creepy in the stripping kind of way. And I learned that even 20-year-olds who look good with their stripper-gear on don't necessarily look that good with it off.
(Get ready to turn down the volume, sorry. And not exactly safe for work, either.)
¶ 9:42 PM 3 comments
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Movie: Easter at the In-Laws
NEW--Digitally Remastered: more scenes, new sound. Watch it again for the first time!
Can you tell I feel a bit like a kid at the grown-ups table? All that German conversation gets on my nerves, so I just tune out and play with the camera. This gives you a good taste of life in Deutschland.
¶ 4:26 PM 7 comments
Monday, April 17, 2006
Lord Vader's Handicapped Parking Space
I'm working on editing my first film, tentatively titled "Easter at the In-Laws," but have no idea what I'm doing so it will take a while. Stand by, it should premier this week, fingers crossed.
Meanwhile please enjoy this illegal photo of a car being towed from Lord Vader's personal handicapped space. Lord Vader lives downstairs, he's the building maintenance guy but with only 1/2 a lung can't do much. That's right, 1/2 of one lung after smoking incessantly for 50 years and having the other one-and-a-half lungs removed. Hence the labored breathing and the nick name Lord Vader. On the bright side, the city gave him a personal handicapped space, which is so poorly marked someone is almost always parked there illegally.
When the two metermaids in dark coats noticed me with my camera they started SCREAMING at me that it was FORBIDDEN to photograph them, and threated to come up and confiscate the camera. In spite, I'm posting their picture.
¶ 6:17 PM 2 comments
Meanwhile please enjoy this illegal photo of a car being towed from Lord Vader's personal handicapped space. Lord Vader lives downstairs, he's the building maintenance guy but with only 1/2 a lung can't do much. That's right, 1/2 of one lung after smoking incessantly for 50 years and having the other one-and-a-half lungs removed. Hence the labored breathing and the nick name Lord Vader. On the bright side, the city gave him a personal handicapped space, which is so poorly marked someone is almost always parked there illegally.
When the two metermaids in dark coats noticed me with my camera they started SCREAMING at me that it was FORBIDDEN to photograph them, and threated to come up and confiscate the camera. In spite, I'm posting their picture.
¶ 6:17 PM 2 comments
Friday, April 14, 2006
Homer-esque Fantasy
It's easter in a catholic country, remember what I said about the chocolate? Etta's right, it truly is like Homer's fantasy of skipping through the Land of Chocolate. Help yourself to the plethora of themed candy. And it's not like I ran all over town taking these, they're all in the same store, which pushed its regular groceries out of the way to dedicate the space to easter candy.
Let's start with the good stuff, Lindt. Oh, and there's another display right behind me!
Need more? There's another huge display right around the corner.
And now we're getting into the cheap stuff, but still, LOTS of it.
Now go home and gorge, then collapse in a diabetic coma. ¶ 9:36 AM 4 comments
Let's start with the good stuff, Lindt. Oh, and there's another display right behind me!
Need more? There's another huge display right around the corner.
And now we're getting into the cheap stuff, but still, LOTS of it.
Now go home and gorge, then collapse in a diabetic coma. ¶ 9:36 AM 4 comments
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Blog on Blog Action
First I blogged about (stole) a Taiwanese woman's blog, now finally someone has blogged about MY BLOG! And I think she's german. Seems she's slightly annoyed that I suggested she has BO, and she also points out some hilarious stereotypes about Americans. I LOVE laughing at myself and especially others, don't you?
Apparently we all look alike, which I'm assuming she means 'dress' alike, since we're black/white/asian/hispanic etc. every nationality in the world. Otherwise "ALL Americans have to stuff their t-shirts into their pants, wear ridiculously huge glasses and must not be well versed in topics not concerning their own country."
I get the feeling she's referring to 'small town' america, which I wholeheartedly agree is, in most cases, a hideous and cultureless homogeny.
I'm taking the bait and suggest we collect some hilarious stereotypes of Americans. I'll start, you contribute.
CHARACTER:
CLOTHING:
¶ 2:53 PM 6 comments
Apparently we all look alike, which I'm assuming she means 'dress' alike, since we're black/white/asian/hispanic etc. every nationality in the world. Otherwise "ALL Americans have to stuff their t-shirts into their pants, wear ridiculously huge glasses and must not be well versed in topics not concerning their own country."I get the feeling she's referring to 'small town' america, which I wholeheartedly agree is, in most cases, a hideous and cultureless homogeny.
I'm taking the bait and suggest we collect some hilarious stereotypes of Americans. I'll start, you contribute.
CHARACTER:
- We're LOUD
- We're greedy capitalist pigs
- We don't care about insignifigant topics not related to our country because other smaller, less important foreign countries don't really count.
- We're judgemental christian zealots
- we don't smoke and think everything's unhealthy, but we're still FAT
CLOTHING:- the embellished, decorated, themed sweater/puff-paint sweatshirt.
- pleated Dockers/jeans with or without braided belt.
- white athletic shoes worn as everyday shoes, esp. while traveling
- the BASEBALL CAPS!
- fake fingernails/overly processed hair
- compulsive showering
- we don't have any
- we ride horses to school (yes, someone in Austria once asked me if, when I lived in Arizona, I rode a horse to school)
- We all drive huge SUVs so we can start wars for oil/we're ruining the environment
- we elect white male morons more often than not
¶ 2:53 PM 6 comments
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
More Funny Names
Today I'm not going to Wormland or to see Carl Kramp, but the grocery store 'miniMAL.' I think the name refers to the minimal selection of food available, even though it's the biggest supermarket around. First stop, instant pudding.
This pudding's kind of degrading to the Polish. They're in the EU now, but guess they haven't updated the packaging since communism died. What is that yellow border, are those supposed to be lemonheads? or popcorn?
Which do you prefer, Corny or Corny Free? Even though both have nothing to do with corn.
And who wants Tapas for breakfast? Or mini-wheats as an appetizer, either way, yuk.
Why, you ask, is the german flag tied in a bow around the box? And what's with the glowing blue outline? I don't know. Even stranger is what 'Meister Proper' is supposed to mean, Master of Orderliness? Yikes, he's scaring me, all orderly and uptight.
¶ 2:05 PM 6 comments
Today I'm not going to Wormland or to see Carl Kramp, but the grocery store 'miniMAL.' I think the name refers to the minimal selection of food available, even though it's the biggest supermarket around. First stop, instant pudding.
This pudding's kind of degrading to the Polish. They're in the EU now, but guess they haven't updated the packaging since communism died. What is that yellow border, are those supposed to be lemonheads? or popcorn?
Which do you prefer, Corny or Corny Free? Even though both have nothing to do with corn.
And who wants Tapas for breakfast? Or mini-wheats as an appetizer, either way, yuk.
Why, you ask, is the german flag tied in a bow around the box? And what's with the glowing blue outline? I don't know. Even stranger is what 'Meister Proper' is supposed to mean, Master of Orderliness? Yikes, he's scaring me, all orderly and uptight.
¶ 2:05 PM 6 comments
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Happy Birthday
¶ 3:46 PM 1 comments
Das Blog is about to become A LOT more interesting:
My crappy Quicktime movies will now have sound.
I also got this, taken with the new camera:
My crappy Quicktime movies will now have sound.I also got this, taken with the new camera:
¶ 3:46 PM 1 comments
Monday, April 10, 2006
Cranium: International Edition
There is no such thing as Cranium: International Edition, but there needs to be. We finally got this game smuggled into Germany, but playing it turned out to be, um, a challenge.
According to the directions, it should take about an hour to play. We started at 10pm, and by 1:30am were SO exausted (and no longer the least bit drunk) we had to quit. Nobody had even made it into the “inner cranim” area by this time.
The problem is it’s just too culturally biased to play with anyone who didn’t grow up in the United States between maybe 1960 and the present. Since we were thee Americans, three Germans, one Georgian (the other georgia) and one Irish, it was a struggle to find knowledge common enough between us to finish the game.
Some things non-Americans may be unfamiliar with:
¶ 9:51 PM 5 comments
According to the directions, it should take about an hour to play. We started at 10pm, and by 1:30am were SO exausted (and no longer the least bit drunk) we had to quit. Nobody had even made it into the “inner cranim” area by this time.The problem is it’s just too culturally biased to play with anyone who didn’t grow up in the United States between maybe 1960 and the present. Since we were thee Americans, three Germans, one Georgian (the other georgia) and one Irish, it was a struggle to find knowledge common enough between us to finish the game.
Some things non-Americans may be unfamiliar with:
- The theme song to “Star Wars”
- George Washington and Martha Stewart
- Football, or anything having to do with it (which here you have to specify “American Football” because football means soccer of course, and there are no soccer questions in Cranium)
- A Tucan: if you’ve never seen a Fruit Loops commercial, you don’t know what one is.
- The Energizer Bunny (everyone knew who that is)
- Alice in Wonderland (even if they only know the Russian name)
- A Half-Pipe (and I'm not sure the Dad in the group knew what this was)
- The Buddha
¶ 9:51 PM 5 comments
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Day One: Animal Shelter
My dedicated fans will recall my many attempts at volunteering in Germany, and that I am going through a multi-phase testing process to work (unpaid) at the animal shelter. After three preliminary meetings and documentation of the proper immunization (!) I actually got to volunteer today.
WHAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE: I’m not sure exactly why, but I had pictured myself sitting in an armchair (or perhaps on a couch) in a pleasant, sunny room surrounded by an assortment of needy cats all purring and begging for petting and attention. They would take turns sitting on my lap and being adorable, then play with cat toys.
WHAT IT ACTUALLY WAS: Backbreaking, wet, cold work. Four hours solid of scooping poop, sweeping, and hosing off. I met 9 cats, 3 of which were very ill, and 5 were extremely shy/terrified. I spent the approximately 15mins total available time allowed for petting/interaction petting a blanket with a terrified cat underneath and giving treats to a very cute, very overweight and very grateful ‘Spiky.’
WILL I GO BACK? I think so.
¶ 7:03 PM 4 comments
WHAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE: I’m not sure exactly why, but I had pictured myself sitting in an armchair (or perhaps on a couch) in a pleasant, sunny room surrounded by an assortment of needy cats all purring and begging for petting and attention. They would take turns sitting on my lap and being adorable, then play with cat toys.
WHAT IT ACTUALLY WAS: Backbreaking, wet, cold work. Four hours solid of scooping poop, sweeping, and hosing off. I met 9 cats, 3 of which were very ill, and 5 were extremely shy/terrified. I spent the approximately 15mins total available time allowed for petting/interaction petting a blanket with a terrified cat underneath and giving treats to a very cute, very overweight and very grateful ‘Spiky.’
WILL I GO BACK? I think so.
¶ 7:03 PM 4 comments
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
My pimple v big expand
Hi, today I'm stealing content from a Taiwanese girl named Ayumi Hamasaki. It's brilliant, I've edited out some exclamation points, but otherwise it's verbatim.
maamaaaaa!!!my pimple v big expand until the whole chin. fcuk it jus now i wan go c docter der buden zhenguo sae cnort. cb hors.v pain. i wan cry.. i now canort even tork the pain is unbearable. will i remain disfigured foreva. if this pimple gerts okay i promise ta treat my face wifh good facial products no mor toothpaste.
i cant even go sch i tynk i nid a mc. mebe dis tym i realie nid ta mia. my face the only thng i can show. now is ruin. fcuk. i applied bout 3 products alr buden no use i v sad. how ta show my face ta publc. shhh.. dont tell or i will jus die. if peple c my pimple dey will dislike me le. waah. zhenguo sumore keep laugh. so cb. i v sad. i cnort tok. toking is my life. zhenguo sae no diff. he lied cos i can feel the lump. altough it is colorless i feel lyk there is this lump der.
i NID COSMESTIC SURGERY ASAP!!!
Toking is my life too, Ayumi. Can anyone figure out what buden means? ¶ 5:23 PM 3 comments
maamaaaaa!!!my pimple v big expand until the whole chin. fcuk it jus now i wan go c docter der buden zhenguo sae cnort. cb hors.v pain. i wan cry.. i now canort even tork the pain is unbearable. will i remain disfigured foreva. if this pimple gerts okay i promise ta treat my face wifh good facial products no mor toothpaste.
i cant even go sch i tynk i nid a mc. mebe dis tym i realie nid ta mia. my face the only thng i can show. now is ruin. fcuk. i applied bout 3 products alr buden no use i v sad. how ta show my face ta publc. shhh.. dont tell or i will jus die. if peple c my pimple dey will dislike me le. waah. zhenguo sumore keep laugh. so cb. i v sad. i cnort tok. toking is my life. zhenguo sae no diff. he lied cos i can feel the lump. altough it is colorless i feel lyk there is this lump der.
i NID COSMESTIC SURGERY ASAP!!!
Toking is my life too, Ayumi. Can anyone figure out what buden means? ¶ 5:23 PM 3 comments
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Anne and Henry: Mutual Aversion
Some talk of Hans Holbein recently reminded me of this portrait, which reminded me that one of King Henry VIII’s wives was GERMAN.
Anne of Cleves was his fourth and luckiest wife who managed not only to keep her head but also got a couple of “stately manors,” a bunch of money and the privilege of living independently after their divorce. He annuled their marriage before he even consumated it for, among other reasons including saggy breasts and belly, her disagreeable body odor!
According to one account: “She was taller than Henry's other wives, and many people later commented that she was afflicted with an excessive amount of body odor. The King was said to have noticed her smell more than once. He found her stupid, lacking of wit, and musical skills. After she learned courtly skills, Anne became all the things Henry said she lacked, including playing a mean game of cards, and people began to like her. It was thought that Anne loved her new found freedoms in England. Although she admired a few courtiers, she never wanted to marry again.”
I should also point out the dislike was probably mutual-- she was apparently equally grossed out by Henry who was twice her age and morbidly obese.
So not to keep harping on the BO, but this kind of puts it in hisorical context. It came in pretty handy for Anne and got her out of a tough situation into a life of luxury and independence. So the moral of the story is: Sometimes BOs not all bad, and you never know when it’s going to work in your favor!
¶ 2:00 PM 2 comments
Anne of Cleves was his fourth and luckiest wife who managed not only to keep her head but also got a couple of “stately manors,” a bunch of money and the privilege of living independently after their divorce. He annuled their marriage before he even consumated it for, among other reasons including saggy breasts and belly, her disagreeable body odor!According to one account: “She was taller than Henry's other wives, and many people later commented that she was afflicted with an excessive amount of body odor. The King was said to have noticed her smell more than once. He found her stupid, lacking of wit, and musical skills. After she learned courtly skills, Anne became all the things Henry said she lacked, including playing a mean game of cards, and people began to like her. It was thought that Anne loved her new found freedoms in England. Although she admired a few courtiers, she never wanted to marry again.”
I should also point out the dislike was probably mutual-- she was apparently equally grossed out by Henry who was twice her age and morbidly obese.
So not to keep harping on the BO, but this kind of puts it in hisorical context. It came in pretty handy for Anne and got her out of a tough situation into a life of luxury and independence. So the moral of the story is: Sometimes BOs not all bad, and you never know when it’s going to work in your favor!
¶ 2:00 PM 2 comments
Monday, April 03, 2006
Nude Shower Scene
I’m not just trying to drive up my google search hits, I actually have a scenario to discuss, regarding the gym and nudity. Here’s the scene:
I dragged my ass to the gym in time for Pilates on Friday (10am, it’s tough) followed by “Ab Express” only there’s some confusion about who’s teaching the abs class. Turns out Anna the really, really nice teacher can’t teach, she’s sorry, we’ll do it next week, she’s very chatty and apologetic. Ok, fine.
Cut to later, the shower scene. I’ve just finished my shower as Anna’s coming into the shower area, we’re both completely naked except for our flip flops. We say Hi, and as I’m toweling off Anna decides to strike up a conversation. Normally I love Anna’s atypical friendliness, but it’s kind of awkward forcing myself to keep eye contact as she’s standing in front of me completely naked with her hand on her hip, and I’m trying to discreetly towel my butt.
Anna: Did you have a good workout?! Did you do a CLASS today?!
Me: Yeah, Pilates.
Anna: Was it GOOD?!
Me: Yeah, it’s good ab and back training.
Anna: I should do that.
Me: But I’m really lazy about my workouts. In fact I’ve gained 4 kilos since I joined here.
Anna: NO! Where?! (as she proceeds to look me up and down, head to toe, back and forth, several times. I’m still naked btw, so is she.)
I’m dry by now and manage to extricate myself from the situation. Teehee, this was too much for my juvenile sense of humor.
Another time I thought I heard a familiar Irish woman in the locker room, but being naked except for my towel turban, thought it best not to go running over to check. I figured whether it’s her or a not, I’m still in the awkward situation of reintroducing myself while possibly both of us are completely naked. When I later related this to my Irish friend, she said “Oh thank GOD you didn’t, I would have died of shame!”
See, she’s european, and she has shame. Actually, I thought the scenario was hilarious in its nude-awkwardness. But thinking about my gym scenes in the US, women were much more vigilant about wrapping towels around while in-transit, and keeping eyes on the floor during all nude changing scenes, and waiting until at least underweared to start chatting. Am I right? Now that I think of it, yikes, I was the Anna in the US.
¶ 2:37 PM 19 comments
I dragged my ass to the gym in time for Pilates on Friday (10am, it’s tough) followed by “Ab Express” only there’s some confusion about who’s teaching the abs class. Turns out Anna the really, really nice teacher can’t teach, she’s sorry, we’ll do it next week, she’s very chatty and apologetic. Ok, fine.
Cut to later, the shower scene. I’ve just finished my shower as Anna’s coming into the shower area, we’re both completely naked except for our flip flops. We say Hi, and as I’m toweling off Anna decides to strike up a conversation. Normally I love Anna’s atypical friendliness, but it’s kind of awkward forcing myself to keep eye contact as she’s standing in front of me completely naked with her hand on her hip, and I’m trying to discreetly towel my butt. Anna: Did you have a good workout?! Did you do a CLASS today?!
Me: Yeah, Pilates.
Anna: Was it GOOD?!
Me: Yeah, it’s good ab and back training.
Anna: I should do that.
Me: But I’m really lazy about my workouts. In fact I’ve gained 4 kilos since I joined here.
Anna: NO! Where?! (as she proceeds to look me up and down, head to toe, back and forth, several times. I’m still naked btw, so is she.)
I’m dry by now and manage to extricate myself from the situation. Teehee, this was too much for my juvenile sense of humor.
Another time I thought I heard a familiar Irish woman in the locker room, but being naked except for my towel turban, thought it best not to go running over to check. I figured whether it’s her or a not, I’m still in the awkward situation of reintroducing myself while possibly both of us are completely naked. When I later related this to my Irish friend, she said “Oh thank GOD you didn’t, I would have died of shame!”
See, she’s european, and she has shame. Actually, I thought the scenario was hilarious in its nude-awkwardness. But thinking about my gym scenes in the US, women were much more vigilant about wrapping towels around while in-transit, and keeping eyes on the floor during all nude changing scenes, and waiting until at least underweared to start chatting. Am I right? Now that I think of it, yikes, I was the Anna in the US.
¶ 2:37 PM 19 comments
